Happy Anniversary Sylvia!

A few weeks ago I embraced the gratitude challenge that was going round on social media. On day three, I paid tribute to Sylvia, my one and only wife, the reader of my blog and the love of my life. That was just a snippet of what I really feel and what I have to say about my wife.

It is exactly one year since I said, 'I do' to Sylvia at the beautiful ACK Church, Karen. One year already. How time flies!. Though time has flown, it didn't seem so at some point. Our marriage journey of 1 year is a story that needs to be told.

At the time of our wedding, Sylvia was living and working in Mombasa while I was in Nairobi. It didn't escape our minds what this meant once we got married. It would mean that we'd still be partially single. It didn't look like much of a bother at the time because I thought it would not be for long. A month or two...at most. Little did I know that it would take one full year of traversing across counties to keep the flame burning. It was exhausting and mentally draining. The alternative of leaving a job for either of us was not an option at that time. Why make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation? So we reasoned. God's grace was sufficient, though most times it didn't feel like it.

November 19, we get a call in the evening and we're told that dad is unwell and we make our way to KNH where he was brought in and admitted. After several days of tests and imaging he was diagnosed with Tuberculosis of the Spine that left him with paralysis in his lower limbs. The next 64 days were the most agonizing as we daily took care of him. We had just come back from our honeymoon and were trying to get used to the new married life and here we were thrust into the life of making daily visits if not living our lives in the deplorable KNH wards, having to interact and depend on nurses who were so accustomed to death they couldn't care less. This meant that your patient was your responsibility and hope that peradventure the doctors would have compassion and care for your patient.

Sylvia, the newly wed, still on honeymoon had to make a major mental shift and become nurse by day and wife by night. The vows we had exchanged a few days before came alive as she stood by me in ' sickness and in health ' the emphasis on the sickness part. What an introduction to marriage! This had to be done interspersed with travel to Mombasa and back. Why would God do this to us? We wondered...

Inevitably dad deteriorated and sadly passed on on Thursday 23rd January. All our efforts, all the joys of a new marriage came to a crushing halt and barely 2 months after a joyous wedding we were preparing for a burial. Life!! I had officially become an orphan. Instead of being in bliss mode I was now in mourning with a wife who was more often than not more than 500 Kms away.

God places the solitary in families (PS 68:6) and this is what he did. My new in-laws embraced me and my ' new ' parents loved me and made it easier as I sought parental love. This is the wisdom of God at work. As I celebrate one year of marriage, I look back in retrospect and see the hand of God at work in my life. He has been with us every step of the way. I definitely feel the loss of my dad and my mom and how I could use their presence but God has been a father and a mother and He has been my rock, my shield, my portion as the psalmist says.

I do not claim to have marriage advice after just 365 days but in those days I have gained some wisdom that I could pass to those who are yet to start. I am under no illusion that there are other stories of challenges for couples out there but this is our story, our cup. As we begin our second year, I would particularly want to encourage those getting married under similar circumstances: long distance relationships, loss of a parent in marriage. So here we go:

Manage Your Expectations
While premarital counseling will help you deal with common issues in marriage, you will soon realize that every marriage is unique just as everyone is unique. That said, it will be easier to enter marriage with no expectations but taking each day as it comes. Marriage calls for the ultimate sacrifice. Letting go of preconceived notions and building a new foundation. This is not easy. Most conflicts will rise from your expectations. Removing socks and leaving them scattered across the room may not be a big deal to you but your spouse may treat this like George Bush Jr dealt with Saddam Hussein or Osama. You have been warned. Then there is the small matter of the kitchen...enough said.

Marriage is Work.
Just like salvation, you must work your marriage with fear and trembling. Taking a laissez faire approach will lead you into trouble. You cannot take assumptions or leave things to chance. You must be deliberate in your actions to see results. I purposed to love Sylvia daily. I consciously tell her, ' I love you ' everyday and make her know she is loved. I take my priestly duties in the house and ensure we pray everyday albeit via phone mostly. As a man, take charge and watch God take control.

Cultivate Friendship.
Friendship is the glue that makes you stick together. It's just been one year but it has not always been lovey-dovey. Friends do not pretend. Courtship is over, now it is being real. She is your housemate, your bed mate and your soul mate. You can cultivate friendship by doing things together, spending time together and engaging in activities of mutual interest.  Again, this has to be deliberate.

Keep Jesus At The Center

As we exchanged our vows at ACK Karen, we sang Israel Houghton's song, 'Jesus At The Center' and this was our song. It has always been about Jesus. Let Christ be the focal point, the true north of your marriage. When you cannot get through your spouse, pour your heart to God and Jesus will intervene and speak to your spouse. He is the only one who can convict of sin and change hearts. It is said that you cannot change a man, or a woman. I agree but I know of a man who can change hearts and Jesus is His name. Give Him the time in your marriage. Pray together, worship together and watch Him steer your ship.

A lot can be said about what to do and what not to do in marriage. The subject of marriage cannot be exhausted yet at the end of the day it is about two individuals. You decide the fate of your marriage. It helps me to know that this is for eternity. I am here to stay. Looking forward to year 2,3..5...7 and even year 41 like my parents would be celebrating this November. They have been married for 40 years. Let that sink in. My father in law told me that he always gets mom a gift every time he goes out because no matter their age women appreciate gifts. I will take that advice as I start year 2

As I celebrate one year, I pay tribute to you Sylvia. I love you and I would do this again. You still are the one for me and with you I feel like superman. I can conquer the world with you by my side. Your intellect stimulates me, your wisdom is profound and I admit you are always right:-) Here's to many more years together and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us. Thank you for unleashing the man in me and covering my weaknesses.

I love You. Happy Anniversary!